These are my keys.
They used to all be on one key ring until I organized them today. Now, I've got a ring for my car keys, one for work, one for home(s), and one for the keys that I have no idea what they go to. I never realized how many keys I actually use in the course of one day.
My Apartment Key.
I use it to lock the door behind me when I leave for work. We recently got the wife's key duplicated because I lost mine, and driving to Walmart to spend the last of our spare cash on a new key just seemed easier than looking between the cushions on the couch. We still haven't found my old key...mostly because we haven't looked for it.My Truck Key.
This one really counts as two because I use the fob to unlock it. I've always called it a fob. In my college years, I would mention my fob and people would think I was talking about the band Fallout Boy, because that's their initials. Then when I met the wife's Asian friend, I learned that the letters FOB also stand for the slang term, "fresh off the boat," which is commonly used to derogatorily describe Asians who haven't been in America very long. Being Asian myself, whenever people toss a FOB joke my way, I quickly remind them that it actually stands for "frequencies of brilliance." And if that doesn't shut them up, I usually throw things at them, then storm out of the room, screaming and knocking over random objects on my way out.My Key Card.
Yes, I've climbed high enough on the corporate ladder to be one of those vest-wearing D-bags who carries a key card around in their pocket, just for the rare occasion that they might actually have to use it. I must admit, though, that the feeling of waving your wallet like some kind of magic wand in front of that plastic panel on the wall, hearing the click and seeing the red light turn green as the building doors swing open automatically...In my head I always hear the voice of Jerry Orbach as Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast singing "Be Our Guest." It reminds me of the day I went with my dad to his job at EDS back in the day. That was also when I found out that brief cases are like ties: they serve no legitimate practical purpose, yet they make you look ten times more professional.My Suite Key.
And what a sweet suite key it is. It's extra long so that even if you duplicate it, it still won't work on the door. In fact, the one I have still decides not to work sometimes. It took me a good solid two weeks before discovering the secret. When they gave me the key, they forgot to mention that I would have to turn the handle counter-clockwise as far as it would go, then turn the key slightly to the right, and release the handle to let gravity do the rest. I've always wanted to ask my coworkers if they have the same issue with their keys, but there's always that fear that they'll have no idea what I'm talking about and somehow find a connection between my apparent deficiency in key-using skills and the fact that I was home schooled.The Mail Key.
One day, I sat in the office of our center director, having our weekly catch-up meeting. She looked at me and said "Ryan, I think the time has come for me to pass this along to you." She grabbed something off the top of her filing cabinet, and set it on her desk in front of me. It was a key. As she moved her hand away, a choir of angels sang in perfect harmony as the florescent light from the ceiling panels cast a magnificent glow which glistened off it's pristine golden surface. To what new heights had my job position just been thrown? What mysterious wonders would be unlocked at the feeble hands of this humble man, a mere operations specialist?? Through what golden gates of endless possibility would I pass by way of this new addition to my plethora of keys??? ...It was the mail key. I now check the mail at work. Mostly it's just bills. Bills and bills and a letter and bills. I now pay the company's bills. Yaaay me.The (apartment) Mail Key.
I check the mail when I get home from work. We have a care's team. There's always a flier posted on the inside wall of the lil' mail center thingy. It's always for an event that already happened. Like a month ago. Every afternoon I see a flier for free breakfast. It's got a clip-art-esque picture of some bacon and eggs with smiley faces on them. I always think to myself, "Man, that sounds good. I think I will show up to grab a free breakfast this coming Fri--ummm yeah, that was May 2nd. It's July now." I guess it's all for the best, considering my newfound pescetarian lifestyle. All I would probably walk away with is a glass of orange juice and a tortilla.Well, those are all the keys I used today. Still on the carabiner are the key to my parents' house, the key to the storage unit we don't use anymore, a key that I think goes to the Dallas branch of my company, and some other small key that I fully intend to stick into every keyhole I come across until I find a match, or until it gets stuck, in which case I will promptly break it off and run away like my life depends on it. Because that would make a great story, and we Asians like telling great stories.
This is all for now.
-R.
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