I Could Write This In My Sleep...In Fact, I Probably Am.

In Avatar, Ripley tells Marcus Wright that he has to journal about stuff when it's fresh on his mind.  So that's what I'm doing.  Because it's always a good idea to do what Ripley says, even if she is just putting on the facade of a nerdy humanitarian botanist geek woman.  She'll always be a half alien queen hardcore action chick in my book.

What's going on right now is I'm watching Comedy Central Presents on my wife's Windows 7 Media Center laptop while waiting for midnight to see what's going to be on woot.com tomorrow.

Oh man, look at that.  It's tomorrow.

What!?  Another laptop!?  Are you freaking kidding me!!?!?  Alas, another day shall pass in which I have no temptation whatsoever to purchase a semi-useless and un-budgeted-for item.  Whatever shall I do?  I guess I'll just have to save that money and invest it in my future or something.

Oh well.

The last thing I bought on woot was a TV antenna that you plug into your USB drive to watch and record live TV on your computer.  Turns out the drivers are only compatible with Windows XP.  Being that the two laptops we have are this one with Win7 and my old Dell which is currently running Ubuntu 9 from a flash drive, I don't think internet TV in bed is going to be an option at the moment.  Although, I could always use it on one of the 3 desktop PC's we've got in our office (The one I built from scratch, the one she built from scratch, and the one we bought online because the ones we built broke - don't worry, I fixed them.  Mostly.), but why would I sit at my desk watching TV on a 17-inch monitor when I have a wall-sized HDTV sitting in my living room?

And here's the more pressing question: why in the name of all that is holy (i.e. cow, mackerel, guacamole, crap, and just about anything Robin says to Batman) am I rambling about my computer situation at 12:20 in the morning?  I should be sleeping.

hmmm....

But instead, I am in the mood for hilarity.  I shall call upon one of my previous writings to serve this purpose.  Below is a copy of a letter I sent out to all of my co-workers in Dallas earlier this year, to let them know that I was planning on moving to the Fort Worth branch this summer.  It is rare that I write a piece of literature that caters to my own sense of humor so much so that I actually laugh out loud every single time I go back to read it.  Enjoy.

Greetings, fellow Kaplanians.

As you all (hopefully) know by now, my time here at the Dallas Center is quickly drawing to an end. A wise man once told me, "If you don't get a bachelor's degree, you'll never make it anywhere in life and I'll disown you as a son." Oh wait - by 'a wise man,' I actually mean 'my father,' and now that I think about it, I actually don't remember him ever saying that. Or anything remotely close to that, really. Regardless, I'm still going to go for it anyway, because I like the thought of being able to say "I have a bachelor's degree."

Beginning this summer, I will be pursuing a BFA in drawing and painting, with a minor in business at the University of Texas at Arlington. My wife and I are moving to the Arlington/Fort Worth area during the first week in may, so my last official day as a KSA at the Dallas Center will be Thursday, April 29.

My decision to strive for a BFA was originally because I thought it stood for "Bachelor's of Freaking Awesomeness." Eventually I realized that it actually stands for Bachelor's in Fine Art, which explains why there's so much drawing and painting involved. According to statistics which I made up just now, modern painting is the most lucrative form of fine art, as it's the only industry in which one can slap a handful of paint onto a blank canvas and still get away with charging exorbitant amounts of money for it.

I know that you all love me to death and would give an arm and a leg to keep me here, but honestly, that's really disgusting, you guys. And besides, you will probably need all four of your limbs at some point in the future, so you'll probably want to keep them attached. But I did know a girl in college who learned how to play Minesweeper using only her toes, so if any of you do happen to lose both of your arms in some kind of freak accident while I'm gone, I can give you her number - she can show you the way.

All this to say, this is not a 'goodbye' note, so much as a 'see most of you later' note. Although I won't be working here anymore, I will be KSA'ing over at the Fort Worth center. The center director over there and I have been in cahoots over the past few months, arranging the terms of my transfer. Sadly, she declined my repeated requests for permission to coat myself in blue makeup and grow dread locks to become the first ever Na'vi KSA, but in spite of this minor setback, I will continue to serve on Team Kaplan for at least the next two years (provided I don't get fired for skipping work to run around in the jungle hissing at wild animals and hitting them with sticks).

It's been said that, "If you catch a man a fish, you can sell it to him; but if you teach a man to fish, you lose a wonderful business opportunity." I'm not sure how that ties in to what I'm talking about, but I'm sure it is somehow connected. Because it has the words 'business' and 'opportunity' in it. And 'fish.'

In closing, I've had the time of my life working with all of you (more specifically, the February 2009 to March 2010 time). I'm not really the type to get super mushy when saying my goodbye's, but I am the type to get super hungry when I smell bacon. In fact, if any of you feel the urge to visit me in Fort Worth during the next two years, it would totally make my day if you brought bacon. Bacon's pretty much the best food on the planet. It's even fun to say. Bacon, bacon, bacon...

Now, you are all in the loop. This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the letter R, and the number 29. Thank you for reading, and have a sensational week.

-G'PO